Wednesday, 22 April 2009

• On Marrying White: A Reflection on the Last Four Months of Marriage

  My new family  My Chinese-American wedding

  On December 6, 2008, I married a tremendous man named James Winans.  I distinctly remember thinking on our first date, "If I continue to date this man, I will become like the Jesus that God has invited me to become," after we were stopped by a homeless man asking for change and received my James, fully present to him, in a long and gracious conversation, punctuated by a deep embrace. My beautiful James in his modest suit from Macy's and a strung-out stranger named Thomas who smelled of urine and beer.  One year later, we were engaged. Nine months later we were married.

  I realize the implications of another Asian woman marrying another White man.  I remember an Asian American brother confronting me with what he saw as "another sister fallen to the white man." And while I have been hit on by my share of Asian-fetish-riddled white men, over the course of our relationship, James has revealed to me that he is not of the same ilk.  Primarily, I find that white men with Asian fetish lump our people all into one box that for the purpose of consumption.  Suddenly, I am not Anna Lee in identity, but rather a thing, a commodity.  James sees me, fully aware of my racial, ethnic, and cultural difference; fully aware of my character and personality difference. Perhaps more importantly, James sees himself, in all his privileged whiteness, is humble enough to learn what he does not know, understands his unique personal and cultural history and accepts his baggage.  In our marriage we are embracing the "other" and becoming transformed more and more into the image and likeness of the God who calls us to follow him.

  On another note: in these last four months, I have found that marriage really holds a mirror to my own soul.  I have seen reflected to my eyes the beauty and horror of myself and the differences of my culture through my behavior in this biracial convenent relationship.  This marriage has granted a wild awareness of the broken patterns of my family that I reenact in this intimate love relationship.  I am humbled by this triune covenant between James, me, and God.  I am hopeful for our transformation.

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